Jokes

kolonel · Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:05 pm Post subject:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:06 pm Post subject:

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching backand forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:34 am Post subject:

I LOL'ed at this, so thought i would share.

________________________________________
tt

The soft side of Aussies!

Three Aussies blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' '

Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff. __._,_.___
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:37 am Post subject:

Now for the Scots......

Scottish Diplomacy

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

BetMagicMoney · Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:27 pm Post subject:

kolonel · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:55 am Post subject:

Its been a while >>>>>>>>>

WORDS WOMEN USE - Helpful advise for MEN

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out,upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men
actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:56 am Post subject:

A man of the viewers stand up and asks him, "What was the best day of your life?"
The shepherd answers, "Well...the best day of my life was when I lost my donkey in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, i took it to the village's square and everyone fucked it."
A second man of the viewers asks him, "And the second best day of your life?"
And the shepherd, "Well...the second one was when in lost a sheep in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, I took it to the village's square and everyone fucked it."
So, after that, a third man of the viewers stand up and asks, "And the worse day of your life?."
"The worse day of my life was when I got lost in Cuccureddu's mountain..."
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:58 am Post subject:

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arms in the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest penis in the world"

The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records

The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arms in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the fuck is JUSTIN BEIBER?
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

madshakes · Newbie Joined: 19 Mar 2011 Posts: 10

This thread is the best! Keep it up!

kolonel · Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:38 am Post subject:

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story,

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral of this Story:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

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