Jokes

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:24 am Post subject: Jokes

A nun is in the bath when there's a knock on the bathroom door.

"Hello! It's the blind man. May I come in?"

The nun ponders for a moment, and thinking he may need spiritual guidance and that he is blind agrees. The door opens and in walks a guy.

"fucking nice tits! Now, where do you want these blinds?"
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kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:25 am Post subject:

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a Email from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man Emailed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:26 am Post subject:

A 3 -foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of shit. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of shit, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:28 am Post subject:

A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you." To which the guy replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:29 am Post subject:

I took a bird back home last night.

We got kissing on the sofa and, before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, "Shall we take this upstairs?"

I said, "No, I'd rather we did it here."

"Oh I see." She winked, "Something in your bedroom you don't want me to see, eh?"

I said, "Yeah, my wife."
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:31 am Post subject:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
_________________
"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:33 am Post subject:

“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “a**hole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a**hole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an a**hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called a**hole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an a**hole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a**hole” and hung up.

Then I called a**hole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, a**hole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, a**hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“
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"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

kolonel · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:35 am Post subject:

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
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"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."

The Angler · Baller Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 458 Skype: jabular1911

genuinely funny, thanks.

hjbear · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 4:07 pm Post subject:

more!
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